


Sburb: Hard Mode

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: But not in an innuendo way, Gen, It's Hard and Nobody Understands, LITERALLY, Original Character(s), Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), SBURB (Homestuck), Sburb Fan Session (Homestuck), Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, Shenanigains Ensue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24281899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: craftyTrash [CT] began pestering cyberneticNeon [CN] at 16:23CN: I was just messing around. How was I supposed to know the Konami code would have activated hard mode?CT: oh my god why
Comments: 5
Kudos: 2





	1. Up up down down left right left right b a

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so let’s just get started with some ground rules.
> 
> 1\. Yes, this is a blatant self-insert homestuck fic with me and a friend. Deal with it.  
> 2\. My self-insert character will not have knowledge of sburb, because gosh dang it i’m not gonna be a Mary Sue. I don’t want to waste a paragraph explaining this, and you don’t want to read it.  
> 3\. I’m not going to be basing this off of a specific idea of sburb besides what is shown in the comic and some personal headcanons, so any idea theft is not intentional and probably just due to my thousands of words of read fanfiction.  
> 4\. There may or may not be overlap with Homestuck proper in the later chapters. I honestly just thought of this in the shower and haven’t really planned very far ahead. 
> 
> Ok, have fun reading, and please leave me some constructive criticism because I will be the first to admit I have no idea what I’m doing.
> 
> TLDR: If you can’t bring yourself to read four bullet points then why are you here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit Log  
> 6-4-2020: Added some more fluff/buildup and changed into Homestuck font  
> 6-7-2020: Added even more fluff/buildup and GameBro image

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, 2020, is not in fact the day. It seems that the young man is just far too lazy to tear off his Pun A Day™ calendar. It does so happen, however, that today, the 18th of April is the day he will be playing a very special game with his good friend. He already has a name, but in honour of the very special tradition of indulging in utter nonsense, he is welcoming you to guess.

> Enter Name.

UNFUNNY DOUCHENOZZLE

How rude! Let’s try that again, shall we?

> Try again.

RYAN BAKERS

Correct!

> Examine room.

Your name is RYAN. As the narrator forgot to mention you are 13 YEARS OLD. You have a variety of objects scattered around your room which include, but are not limited to, ONE (1) TOP HAT, SEVERAL (~) PILES OF DIRTY CLOTHES, ONE (1) HALF EATEN BAG OF MARSHMALLOWS, ONE (1) EMPTY METAL WATER BOTTLE, SEVERAL (~) COMPLETED LEGO SETS, and ONE (1) CORKBOARD containing SEVERAL (~) SCHOOL PAPERS (ugh) ONE (1) [LOVINGLY HANDCRAFTED QR CODE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ), and SEVERAL (~) BAD PUNS from your PUN A DAY™ calendar, including such classics as, “Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.” and “I recently started reading a book about antigravity. I can’t seem to put it down.” with the ever classic, “I once worked for a soft-drink-can crusher. It was soda pressing.” In case it wasn’t obvious you have an intense passion for INCREDIBLY TERRIBLE PUNS, but even you have standards. I mean look at this one. “My dog Minton ate my shuttlecock. Bad Minton!” This is just terrible (ha tearable), you throw it in the trash. Where it belongs. You feel like you got a bit off topic there. Weren’t you thinking about your interests? Anyways, you are an AVID GAMER and have spent many hours on your NINTENDO SWITCH trying to play the games well, but being thwarted by your greatest enemy. JOY-CON DRIFT. You crumple your napkin in your fist and curse the shoddily made JOY-CONS. Not out loud, of course. That just wouldn’t be a sane thing to do. But it’s not like your parents would hear you. They went out to get groceries a few minutes ago. You also really enjoy WEBCOMICS. Lately you’ve really gotten into the Midnight Crew fandom. You’re glad that the toxicity has died down after all that controversy with the fandom. You really do like the Epilogues though. And apparently Midnight Crew (2?, ^2?) is a thing. Geez, Hussie is really milking this dry, huh? Anyways, you’re bored and one prevailing question remains, What will you do?

> Ryan: Whinny like a horse and vomit in your top hat.

What? No. Why would you do that? You got this top hat for like 5 bucks a couple days after Halloween. That hat was one of your wisest purchases.

> Ryan: Captchalogue empty bottle.

You decide to captchalogue the empty metal bottle into your Tech-Hop modus. It’s fairly complex, what with the rhyming and categories, but it'll be the closest you’ll get to a pun modus without modding and you’re no modder, so dang it, you’ll take what you can get. After all, puns are all about rhyming and finding similarities, and that’s basically all this modus is. You have a total of 3 GROOVE ROWS with 2 cards in each.

> Ryan: Allocate strife specibus to bottlekind.

What? You already did that months ago. You are ruthless with your LV. 17 BOTTLE BOP which basically amounts to bopping someone on the head with a plastic bottle when they are being really annoying.

> Ryan: Faf around on the internet

You decide to look through your tabs. There are about 20 or so tabs open related to your newest obsession, Midnight Crew, one tab showing GameBro online magazine, which is so awfully hilarious that you aren’t even sure if you’re reading it ironically anymore or if you’re just so deep in the ironies that you can’t tell whether or not it’s sincere. The irony layers don’t stop from getting deeper. You’ve also got some older tabs of webcomics you haven’t read in a few months, but aren’t sure if you want to delete. You also have some comedy tabs open.

> Ryan: Listen to some comedy

You decide to have some comedy open in the background before you open up GameBro. You look through your favorites. You have Jim Gaffagin, John Mulaney, John Egbert, and Dimitri Martin. Gosh there are a lot of Johns. And by that you mean two. Anyways you decide to put on one of Egbert’s in the background from your favorite album, Every Apple Juice You Drink. What a riot. Wait, you think you hear something, or someone, at your door.

> Ryan: Answer door

Ugh, it’s just your cat Cedric. God he’s such a fuzzy little asshole. Look at him meowing, being all smug. You know he’s waiting to pounce on your desk so he can walk around on your keyboard and inevitably mess something up. A few months ago he somehow managed to turn your screen sideways. You still have no idea how he managed to do that. You had to send your computer into tech support and had to wait 4 to 6 business days to get it back. You are not letting him in. Freaking jerk.

> Ryan: Check GameBro

It looks like they’re doing an article on sburb. You remember it was supposed to come out about 11 or so years ago, but it kept getting delayed. Anyways, you open up the virtual magazine and...

God this is awful, and you mean that in the best way possible. You love how... Oh you don’t have the words, it’s just so... I mean, “the mad stunts all wicked up-ins,” that’s comedy gold right there. Since it’s purchase by SBaHJ co. and yes, that is as awesome of a thing to exist as it sounds, this magazine has gotten so much better/worse. Speaking of which...

> Ryan: Retrieve arms from desk drawer

You retrieve the deudly firearms. Yes. Heck Yes. Heck Flipping Yes. You got these babies last year for your birthday, and you have cherished them since. They don’t even work that is just how incredibly shoddily manufactured these are. Oh yeah, you probably look like a complete idiot with these... Time to complete the look. You captchalogue the top hat and shades in your clothing groove row and... Wait no you’ve got the bottle still in there. Now you’ve got to come up with some kind of rhyme. Sunglasses, Bottle, Top hat. Headwear? Water storer? Wait no you can just put the bottle in your strife deck. Doy. Anyways you equip the top hat and shades and hold the deudly weaponry. You look like an idiot and you are entirely okay with that.

> Ryan: Play some video games

You decide to play some video games. You are planning on playing the aforementioned sburb with your friend later, so you should probably see if she’s online. 

cyberneticNeon [CN] began pestering  craftyTrash [CT] at 16:24

CN: Hey, you there?

It seems that she is not available at the moment, so you head out into the living room to get your game on. You’ve been replaying Super Mario Galaxy for the nostalgia recently, seeing as how you haven’t played in years and that kind of makes you a little sad inside. 

> Ryan: Find game disc

You look for the disc in your little nintendo themed disc holder that you’ve had FOREVER. It’s got a little wii-mote as the zipper. You honestly don’t remember when you got this, but it still holds a bit of fondness. You look through it and find: ONE (1) COPY OF MARIOKART WII, ONE (1) COPY OF POKEPARK 2, ONE (1) COPY OF SPLATOON, ONE (1) CO- You know what, no, we’re skipping this, no-one cares about your game collection. You find the Mario Galaxy disc. There, was that so hard? Also you find two copies of Mario Galaxy 2, one of which you borrowed from your neighbor like 6 years ago and never gave back. He says one is superior to two anyways, so what does he know? Anyways you pop in the disc, grab your Wiimote and Nunchuck, and... 

craftyTrash [CT] began pestering  cyberneticNeon [CN] at 16:24

Goshdangit. You just got settled.

CT: yo   
CN: yo  
CT: how have you bean?  
CT: been*  
CN: I’ve bean well.  
CN: I’m a pro teen.  
CN: Don’t be jelly.  
CT: o h n o  
CN: I’m not gonna lima to you.  
CT: n o o o  
CN: I’m just getting a leg up on ume.  
CT: N  
CT: O  
CT: O  
CT: O  
CN: Ok, yeah I’m done.  
CT: lol  
CN: I was about to play some SMG but then you pestered me.   
CN: So yeah how are things on your end?  
CT: oh sorry but i just downloaded sburb  
CT: wanna play?  
CN: Oh hecc yea.   
CN: Gimmie a sec.  
CT: alright  
CN: c ya  
CT: c ya

cyberneticNeon [CN]  is now an idle chum 

> Ryan: Start up sburb. 

You head back into your bedroom. Alright then, let’s get this going. You already installed sburb on your laptop a few minutes ago, so you’re ready for this. You watch the downloading thing in which the spirograph is having a seizure. It’s actually really cool to look at if you're being honest. Unconsciously, you’re like “ha i’m totally gonna put in the konami code while it loads it’s not like it will have any serious long term consequences later on.” Oh how wrong you were. 


	2. Good goin’ douchenozzle

Your name is RYAN BAKERS and you may have messed something up. The spirograph stops it’s movement and is replaced by a green lightning thingy. Huh. You have no idea what this is supposed to mean. After the loading bar finishes it shows a graphic that says SBURB: HARD MODE. Oops. That was probably a bad idea since this is your first playthrough. Oh hey look it’s your good old friend CT. It shows her on her computer in her bedroom. You guess she must have installed the client. There are a bunch of icons on your screen, including Select, Revise, Deploy, Phernalia Registry, Grist Cache, Explore Atheneum, and Alchemy Excursus. You have absolutely no idea what half of these mean. Okay, Select, Revise and Deploy seem very self explanatory. You decide to select a vaporeon plush on her desk. You remember this thing. You gave it to her on her birthday a couple of years back. You move it around a bit. She sees this display and is understandably quite freaked out. 

CN: Hey, apparently this game lets me move stuff around in your room.   
CT: what   
CN: I’m putting some stuff in your living room rn. 

> Ryan: Deploy machines

You deploy the Cruxtruder, Totem Lathe, Pre-Punched Card, and Alchemiter in CT’s living room.

CT: what? 

She understandably seems quite confused, and you aren’t too prideful to admit that you are as well. You decide you’re going to look around for some sort of tutorial button. If you coded a game you would definitely would have added a tutorial, right? Though, you guess this is better than those games that shove tutorials down your throat. Speaking of mistakes, you should probably tell her about your accidental activation.

CN: Also I apparently activated hard mode via Konami code   
CT: WhAt?   
CN: I was just messing around. How was I supposed to know the Konami code would have activated hard mode?   
CT: oh my god why   
CN: Anyways, I was just wondering if you can see me.   
CT: yeah its like screenception. im watching you watch me watch you watch me   
CN: Ha cool.   
CN: Anyways can you mess around with the stuff I put down.   
CT: ok   
CT: this one has a lid   
CT: im trying to open it 

She turns the little twirly thing you put on valves to get them to open up. What the heck is that thing called anyway. You do not have time for these semantics. Anyways, you know that that means the Crux.. trun? tr- something is under a lot of pressure. You have an idea.

CN: Wait I’ve got this 

> Ryan: Open cruxtruder

You select her desk. This seems like it would open it up with a little applied brute force.

CN: Heads up.   
CT: wha-   
CT: did you just throw my desk at it?!   
CN: Well it’s open   
CN: Also that was kinda funny 

It totally was. You pity anyone who was not able to see the sheer hilarity of this action in a visual format. Your Punmaker’s Artifice is going through the roof.

CT: dude, my desk   
CN: Sorry. 

Now that you have opened the Cruxtrudo? di? Cruxtruder, that was it! some little flashy dark blue spirograph looking dealy has appeared. Great, another seizuregraph.

CN: Anyways, what’s that thing that came out of it?   
CT: how should I know? 

> Ryan: Prototype kernelsprite

CN: I’m gonna throw something at it. 

After all, it worked so well last time.

CT: WAIT DONT- 

You throw the Vaporeon plush into the flashy thingy. It becomes a flashy thingy with a Vaporeon head inside of it. That was probably significant. It seems to be saying... Something? You honestly can’t tell.

CT: you cant just be throwing around my possessions willy nilly!   
CT: wait there’s a timer now.   
CT: and some sort of blue cylinder came out of the tube 

You hover over it and it gives you a summary. 

“Cruxite Dowel: Found in Cruxtruder, Used in Totem Lathe, The base of all alchemy; Due to it’s infinitely regeneratable nature it is practically worthless. Sells for: 0.00000001 boondollars”

CN: The game says it’s a “cruxite dowel” that goes in the “totem lathe”   
CT: whats that   
CN: The long thing in your kitchen.   
CT: man my mom would flip if she was here   
CN: Where is she?   
CT: groceries   
CN: ah same. And wait timer?   
CT: yeah it says 4:18   
CN: Well you should probably hop to doing whatever it is you’re supposed to do.   
CT: well what is that oh wise game master   
CN: Give me a sec, I’m gonna see what these things do. 

> Ryan: Read Descriptions

You decide to read the descriptions of all the items you just placed down.

“Cruxtruder: Found in Phernalia Registry, -- grist, Creates Cruxite dowels, Shows Reckoning timer, Releases Kernelsprite; The game really begins when you open this pandora’s tube. Sells for: -- boondollars”

“Totem Lathe: Found in Phernalia Registry, -- grist, Carves Totems, Requires Punched Card and Cruxite Dowel; Step two on the process to alchemy. We could have made this system less convoluted, but we’re just kind of assholes. Sells for: -- boondollars”

“Alchemiter: Found in Phernalia Registry, -- grist, Creates objects, Requires Totem; The final step of the alchemy process. Can create objects via totems depending on how they are carved. Sells for -- boondollars”

“Pre-Punched Card: Found in Phernalia Registry, -- grist, Used in Totem Lathe to carve totems; Can be overlaid (&&) or double punched (||) to create different totems. Sells for -- boondollars”

You’ve always loved semi-snarky descriptions in video games, so you’re quite pleased to see them in this! This game gets 10 Ryan Points, which is an arbitrary value of a worthless point system. 

CN: I think you put the Pre-Punched Card that I put on your couch in the Lathe   
CT: ok the chisels changed   
CT: im gonna put the blue cylinder on now 

The dowel has now been carved into what looks like a squiggly vase. You decide to hover your mouse over this as well to check what it has been changed into.

Totem: Created from Totem Lathe, 1 build grist, Used in alchemiter to alchemize objects based on Punched Card used in it’s creation; We totally could have skipped this excruciatingly long procedure but, well.. you know

CN: Ok. After that the game says to put the totem on the alchemiter’s pedestal   
CT: the what   
CN: Big platform thingy   
CT: ok. 

You watch your pal put the totem on the alchemiter in order to create what looks like some sort of dark blue easel? As well as some paints. You look at the timer and.. Oh crap we only have like 20 seconds left.

> Ryan: Get her in the Medium. Quick!!!

CN: ok ao weve onky got like 20 sdcondews left.   
CT: what?   
CN: Throw the paints!   
CT: why   
CN: Just dfo it   
CT: ok, jeez 

She throws the paints at the easel. A haphazard job but it’ll do. You’re not sure why you found it so urgent to do that before the timer expired, but you guess you assumed something really bad would happen, though you don’t know why you thought that. You don't even know how you knew to get her to throw the paints. Suddenly everything seems to go flashy on your screen, and then everything settles down. You look at the screen and.. SUDDEN PERSPECTIVE SHIFT!!!


End file.
